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PUNJAB AND NIELSEN
January 26, 1995 Web Exclusive

Punjab and Neilsen Eat Lunch at a Sushi Bar


by Platy Prods.

PUNJAB: So I asked him, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"
"Practice, lots of practice!" I couldn't believe it!

NEILSEN: I kill small animals and insects.

PUNJAB: I stood there, I mean I was in total hock. I was just standing there and that asshole punched me in the teeth. Jesus! I couldn't freaking believe it!

NEILSEN: I don't think you heard me, I said that I kill small animals and insects.

PUNJAB: So I did the only sane thing that a person in my crazy shoes would do.

NEILSEN: I pull off the wings of flies. I poke spud bugs and watch them roll up.

PUNJAB: I took out my Ouija board and hit him in the arm and he fell down. Can you believe it? He fell down! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

NEILSEN: IusedtohaveaparrotandIlined
hiscagewiththesamebluepapereverydayandI
gavehimtreatswhentheMasterpieceTheatre
themesongcameonandthenonedayIlinedhis
cagewithblackpaperandplayedrecordings
oftheMasterpeiceTheaterThemsongwithout
givinghimanytreatsandhewentballscrazy
andhestartedtalkingaboutfallingoffofhis
perchandintohellIwishthatIcouldhavebeen
theretoseeitbutIhadtorecorditontapebecause-

PUNJAB: Uh... I missed that, could you repeat it?

NEILSEN: IusedtohaveaparrottandIlined-

PUNJAB: Slow down, I can't understand you.

NEILSEN: I used to have a parrot and I lined his cage with the same blue paper every day and I gave him treats when the Masterpiece Theater theme song came on and then one day I lined his cage with black paper and played recordings of the Masterpiece Theater theme song without giving him any treats and he went balls crazy and he started talking about falling off of his perch and into hell. I wish that I could have been there to see it but I had to record it on tape because I was in the basement dissecting live gerbils.

PUNJAB: Are you lying to me?

NEILSEN: No!

PUNJAB: Wow! That's pretty sick. The worst thing I ever did was kick puppies and throw babies.

NEILSEN: -PSHAW!- That's nothing. Did you ever turn a bike upside down and spin the tire and set frogs down on it belly first?

PUNJAB: No, but I had some friends who did. My mom said that they were bad apples and I should stay away from them because they were white trash.

NEILSEN: Yeah, and if you burn spiders, sometimes they scream.

PUNJAB: Hey man, that's sick!

NEILSEN: What?

PUNJAB: You're drooling on the table cloth, dumbass.

NEILSEN: Hey, know what? When you were just talking about weegee boards, I remembered that I used to have one.

PUNJAB: Net! What happened to it?

NEILSEN: Oh, I asked it if it was powered by Satan and the little thingy turned into a ball of flame and flew out of the window. Any way, what were you talking about before we were sidetracked?

PUNJAB: Oh, about how I lost my tooth.

NEILSEN: Yeah!

PUNJAB: So i asked him, "How do you get to carnegie Hall?"
"Practice, lots of proctice!" I couldn't believe it!

NEILSEN: I had a bad experience with a blender once.

THE END

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Punjab and Neilsen Eat Lunch at a Sushi Bar


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