PUNJAB: What are we doing in this place?
NEILSEN: I don't really know. I saw it one day and I decided
that it would probably be a good place for us to try out.
PUNJAB: Yeah, but what made you think that?
NEILSEN: It looked like it might have a nice atmosphere.
PUNJAB: Atmosphere? This coming from a guy who goes to Perkins
for his coffee instead of The Daily Grind or the Coffee Bar?
Or to the Berger Thang for a "burger hold the meat"
instead of the Veggie Grinder meatless deli?
NEILSEN: Sure, I can breathe in here, can't you?
PUNJAB: Ugh. Well the food is crap.
NEILSEN: It's not too bad. I've been eating a lot of tunafish
sandwiches lately, and when I woke up this morning and I opened
the refrigerator, I knew that there was no way my swallower would
work on homemade tuna sammys for probably like weeks or something,
so I decided to go out for breakfast. Got a problem with that?
PUNJAB: No, I guess you're paying, so you get to choose where
we eat. It's just that curry stew isn't what I'm used to at 10
NEILSEN: Yeah, well deal with it.
PUNJAB: This curry tastes like shit.
NEILSEN: I saw my Grandpa Whipple today.
PUNJAB: You've got a Grandpa Whipple?
NEILSEN: Sure. He's in the old folks home, and-
PUNJAB: My mom's grandma had a Grandpa Whipple. I think he lived
to be like 106 or something.
NEILSEN (exasperatedly, rolling his eyes): Anyway...
PUNJAB: Well excuse me to pieces. Please tell me the rest of
your visit to the rest home. I will sit here enraptured for the
NEILSEN: Fine. So I went into the rest home to visit Grandpa
Whipple and just as I walked in, I thought I was going into a
movie theater because it smells like popcorn in those places,
y'know? And then I remembered way back to when I was like five
years old, and I went to visit my Grandpa Whipple with dad.
Neilsen, Age 5
NEILSEN: Dad, can we get some popcorn?
DAD: What? Why do you want popcorn?
(Dad takes a deep breath and they both step into the elevator.
NEILSEN: 'Cause it smells like popcorn here. Where is Grandpa?
DAD (squeezing out the words to better ration his held breath):
That's not popcorn boy, it's pee. And your
grandpa's on the second floor.
(The elevator doors open and the two step out. Dad lets his air
NEILSEN: Why do you hold your breath in the elevator?
DAD: People die in elevators son. Your grandpa's in room 214
(Dad and Neilsen turn left and walk down the hall 15 or 20 steps
before Dad notices that the numbers are going the wrong way and
he turns around. Neilsen doesn't notice that his dad has turned
around and continues to walk. He passes an open door and looks
in at Leeland "Lee" Garner who lives in room 201. Lee
is trying to lift up his mattress with weak old arms. Lee is
LEE: Where's my damn penis? Razzin frazzin' thing fell off when
I went to the outback and met with them lepers. Where's my damn
(Neilsen is, of course, interested in this strange man, but he
thinks that his dad is still walking next to him, so he must
be content with just looking into room 201 as he walks by. Craning
his neck to see the last little bit of Leeland Garner, Neilsen
walks directly into a fire extinguisher box that is set head
level with a 5-year-old.)
DAD (turning around and realizing that he forgot to tell Neilsen
that they were going the wrong way): Neilsen, come here. You're
going the wrong way. (Neilsen is a bit disoriented by his concussion,
and walks directly into the wall while trying to get his bearings.
Finally, he gathers just enough wits (all of them) to walk past
Leeland Garner...) Lee (jumping headlong into the corner of his
room next to the dresser:: I got'cha ya little pecker.
(...and toward his father's impatient voice)
NEILSEN: Where's grandpa's room?
DAD: Over here.
NEILSEN: Dad, what's a pretis?
DAD: A what?
DAD (thinks hard. Then eureka!): PENIS!
DAD: It's your dick son.
NEILSEN (as comprehension rushes over him): Oh.
DAD: Here's your Grandpa Whipple's room. Wanna knock?
Grandpa Whipple (from inside the room): If you've got my pills,
go away. Unless you're that pretty nurse Rackett. If you are
her, come feed me my pudding. My little pudding.
(Dad opens the door. Grandpa Whipple is urinating out of the
NEILSEN (points): PENIS!
GRANDPA WHIPPLE (turns slowly, still peeing): Nelson! How ya
DAD: Norman, you're peeing on the floor. Put that thing away.
GRANDPA WHIPPLE: Sorry son.
NEILSEN (sees his chance to speak): I'm doin' good Grandpa Whipple.
GRANDPA WHIPPLE: Just call me grandpa.
GRANDPA WHIPPLE: Come here and give grandpa a hug.
NEILSEN: No, you peed your pants.
GRANDPA WHIPPLE: Then I'll take them off.
(GRANDPA WHIPPLE takes his pants off and stands with his arms
out, wearing a white shirt and red striped boxers.)
NEILSEN: Yaaaaay! Grandpa! You're clean now!
(Runs towards his Grandpa Whipple and slips in the piss, knocking
his head on the floor)
DAD (rushing carefully to his son): Damn! Neilsen are you okay?
(Dad smiles with relief)
NEILSEN: Bad cad rad nadmuladbrad...
DAD: I'd better get him to a hospital, sorry Norman. I'll come
visit you another time.
(Dad carries his son out into the hallway and toward the elevator)
NEILSEN: No Dad. People die in elevators.
DAD: I can't carry you down the stairs.
(Dad walks towards the stairs past 210)
LEE: Sons a bishes stole my penis.
NEILSEN: Popcorn on my feet.
Fade to Punjab and Neilsen present day.
NEILSEN: So I took the stairs up to the second floor where Grandpa
Whipple still lives and I smelled popcorn the whole way and when
I got to room 214, I went in and Grandpa was gone.
PUNJAB: Really? I thought you said you saw him today.
NEILSEN: He was there, but he was dead, so he was kind of gone,
but kind of there, you know?
PUNJAB: Ooooooh. I'm sorry. That's too bad.
NEILSEN: Yeah, well I guess it's part of life.
PUNJAB: Who is putting the funeral together?
NEILSEN: I don't know. I think I'm the only one who knows he's
PUNJAB: Didn't you tell anyone?
NEILSEN: No, I just put him in the bathroom and on the toilet.
NEILSEN: Because he used to like it there. Maybe he still does.
PUNJAB: You should at least tell your dad about it. And probably
call the rest home and tell them before he starts to stink.
NEILSEN: I can't tell my dad unless he calls me.
NEILSEN: Remember when you threw all of those phones at that
PUNJAB: Yeah. That was cool.
NEILSEN: Well for some reason, I got charged for like 30 long
distance calls that day and I couldn't pay for them, so the phone
company shut off my long distance service. I can't even make
1-800 number calls.
PUNJAB: That's too bad. I guess your dad's gonna have to find
out on his own.
NEILSEN: Yep. I guess so.
(Both eat in silence for a while. Punjab starts taking bites
of curry and spitting them back into the bowl. Neilsen looks
like he's going to complain, but then stops himself and finishes
his breakfast flafel.)
NEILSEN: Wanna go watch a movie or something?